Boogers on the Wall

I am drowning.

I have about eighty things I have to do this week and I keep forgetting forty of them.

I went to bed at midnight Tuesday night. Then got up at 5:30 a.m. Wednesday morning after tossing and turning for several hours while my 2-year-old alternated kicking my face (yes she was in my bed again) and hollering out sporadically for a drink. Why did I get up before the sun? Because my crazy puppy needed to go outside.

Honestly it was probably a good thing I got up early so I could get a jump start on all the stuff I have going on. But it only added extra exhaustion to my bone-tired body.

From going back to school, to responsibilities with my church to PTA activities I’m helping with and school functions for my kids, I am drowning.

I am living in a never-ending sea of activity. And I just keep swimming blindly. Those of you who know me well, you know that I can’t swim.

I try, but I fail. I float for half a second and then I sink.

I try to be organized but I just can’t seem to pull things together. Last week I forgot to show up to volunteer in my oldest son’s classroom like I have been doing every Wednesday for the past six months.

This week I showed up twenty minutes late to a field trip because I got the starting time wrong.

I ordered four gallons of milk with my online grocery order yesterday. FOUR! We drink a lot of milk, but come on.

I am completely losing it.

So tonight I’m going to skip a formal blog post. I just don’t have it in me.

I’ve never hidden my imperfections on this blog and I don’t want to start now. I don’t want to write something fancy and polished when my life is a complete hurricane.

I want to be completely real. My floor needs vacuuming. My underwear needs washing. I need to sort through the mountain of junk mail and school papers that keeps growing exponentially and I need to find am indoor location to do a couple of photo shoots this weekend because it won’t stop snowing. I have no idea how this is all going to come together.

But somehow I’ll make it through.

Meanwhile, I’m going to drown my sorrows with a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup and a glass of milk. We all know I have plenty of that to spare.

Here’s the three plates of French toast I tossed yesterday after no one wanted to eat it. 

I detest mornings. I always have. I may always will.

I thought mornings were bad before I was a mom. But mornings with kids are an absolute nightmare. Especially when we have a certain time to be ready for something.

Like school.

No one wants to get dressed. No one wants to make their bed. And no one wants anything for breakfast. Sometimes I take matters into my own hands and whip up some French toast. Only to throw three plate fulls away because no one wanted to eat that early.

I don’t blame them. I don’t really like French oast either. But I was trying to be nice. We’ve got to have something to fuel our bodies!

My kids drag their feet, moping about the house and wasting time. So that leads to me scrambling behind them, urging them to eat faster, brush faster, dress faster. No one moves fast around here before 10 a.m.

Then there’s the last-minute trick. I think that we are all ready. I ask my kids if they have done everything from grabbing their library books to brushing their teeth. They always say yes. And they are always wrong.

It never fails. We are ALWAYS racing for something during the last minute before our carpool shows up – usually it’s shoes, coats or backpacks.

Let me just say that you think you have a clean house until someone can’t find his backpack. And then it’s your fault that they can’t find it. And you’re racking your brain wondering where you might have put it only to call the school and find out he never brought it home the night before.

Sigh.

I dream of the day that I can wake up to my kids already starting on their daily routine. In my fantasy they are dressed in school-approved clothing, their beds are made and they are happily helping each other make me breakfast…in bed… and then I wake up…to one of them screaming that they need me.

For the past 10 years I’ve been woken up just as I have settled into a deep sleep to someone screaming out that they need a drink, or some toast, or help turning on the television.

Maybe that’s why I hate mornings. Three of my little ones like to rise before the sun. They don’t want to do anything productive, their only goal is to get mom out of bed before she is ready. (OK maybe they aren’t actually thinking that but it sure feels like it sometimes.)

It feels like mornings are out to get me. Someday I’ll have my act together. Things will be in place so that when I roll out of bed it’s easier to get out the door.

Until then I can only dream – but only until 7 a.m.

I promised myself I wasn’t going to do it this year. I usually get burned out. But there I sat on Monday afternoon with dirt sprinkled across my kitchen floor and countertop as my two youngest helped me bury tiny seeds into gardening trays.

More dirt was flying from our bins and egg cartons than it was filling the rows. It never fails, I tell my kids to put one or two seeds into a cup and we end up with dozens in one spot. Who knows if our flowers will bloom.

But it’s nearly spring. And I’m starting some seeds again.

My flower trays sit on a long table in my room facing some large windows. I anxiously check them every day.

I love to see the first initial sprout. Will they actually germinate? Will they make it through the transition period when I start taking them slowly outside? What color will they be? Will they return next year?

It takes a lot to start seeds indoors. They have to be carefully monitored – carefully tended. But that’s just the beginning. They have to adjust to outside conditions, they have to take root in my flower beds, they have to fight through the weeds, they have to withstand the weather.

As I planted seeds this week I couldn’t help feeling like a tiny seed myself. This winter has been particularly dark and cold for me. I’ve found myself sad and lonely. I’ve been bored with things that normally make me happy. I’ve been overly insecure and self conscious.

The weeds have crowded in and the weather has beaten me down. I’ve been biding my time, waiting for light and warmth to come my way again. I’ve been working on finding myself and what truly makes me happy.

I’ve been like a seed, lost in the soil, waiting to break through. Waiting for the cold winter to fade and the spring to bring me warmth again.

It’s coming. I can feel it. For me and my plants.

I’ve just got to be patient, and keep working at it – it won’t happen over night. I’ve got to keep feeding and watering my plants, and my soul.

Sooner or later we’re both bound to bloom again.

Dear Luca,

This spring marks seven years since we have been apart. Seven is usually my lucky number. But when I think about the time I have spent without you here it makes me feel very unlucky.

Seven years??? Time moves on. Time moves quickly. And time allows me to feel more acceptance towards your death. But there are still times I miss you like crazy.

I miss you when we take family pictures.

I miss you when we cuddle on the couch and watch movies as a family.

I miss you when we place decorations on your grave.

I miss you when I see other boys your age running around the neighborhood with your brothers.

I miss you when I hang your stocking, empty, on the tree.

I miss you when I see your Italian name on a sign or book or magazine.

I miss you when I think about our family being complete – it will never feel that way to me.

I miss that you are missing out on all of our crazy adventures.

But most of all, I miss that I am missing out on YOU. What would you have been like?  What would you have laughed like? What would you have looked like? What would have made you cry? What would have made you smile? I have so many questions for you I could go on and on and on. I often daydream about what you are like, I can’t wait to find out someday.

Until then I’ll just miss you…

Love Always,

Mom

I love to write. But I rarely have time to write all the things I want. Somehow I manage to keep up on this weekly blog, but that’s about all I do on a regular basis. I’d love to write more – especially when it comes to keeping up on my journal. I can’t tell you the last time I wrote in there.

I used to beat myself up about it. I would feel guilty for not documenting all of the exiting, crazy happenings in my life. But then I found My Social Book.

My Social Book is a company that allows people to print all of the quotes, pictures, videos and links that they post to Facebook into a neat, crisp hard-covered book.

I may not have time to write in my journal. But with the help of my smart phone it’s easy to document all of the silly, wild, amazing things that happen in my life. I post to Facebook several times a week. I post funny things that my kids say. I post about fun activities we do. I post about my kids successes. I post my failures as a stay-at-home mom. I even post links to each one of these blog posts I write.

All of these posts can be put into my My Social Book books. Whenever I post a link or a video it appears as a QR code in the book. I can scan it with a smart device and it will pull it up. Not only are my posts included, but all of the comments that my friends and family make are also printed in the books.

I have had five books printed now and I love each and every one of them. My kids and I have a great time looking at the books and remembering all the things we have said and done. We smile and laugh as we flip through the pages.

I have started printing one for each year I have been on Facebook. So far I have made a book for 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014 and 2015.

The books aren’t cheap, but there are all kinds of promotions online for discounts. I have spent an average of $50 on each of my books. But they mean much more than that to me.

To me they are my journal – along with these blog posts of course. To be honest, they are probably a better representation of my life then any journal I could write myself. They show the best and worst, happiest and saddest, and the weakest and strongest parts of my life.

I will cherish them for a long, long time.

If you are looking for a simple way to document you everyday happenings. Check out My Social Book at http://www.mysocialbook.com

Lighting practice for my photography school.

It’s 4 p.m. I have no idea what I’m going to feed my family of six for dinner. There are M&Ms scattered all across my kitchen. My oldest has blocked out the world with headphones while he watches a hunting show on my laptop and the two youngest (who he is supposed to be supervising) are rummaging through our candy drawer – hence the M&Ms.

Where am I?

Sprinting through my back yard with a camera strapped to my back chasing my 6-month-old puppy who has a half-eaten rat dangling from her jaws – the tail swinging back and forth.

The crazy level just got upped a notch around here.

It took me and my oldest two boys (I peeled my 10-year-old away from his show) 10 minutes to corner our black fur ball and get her to drop what was left of the rat. I gagged and nearly threw up. Twice.

Life is seldom boring at the Clemens home.

Distortion practice for my photography school. Doesn’t he look thrilled to hold this for me?

But even though we have ample crazy times I have found myself lost lately. I may not be bored, but I have felt unchallenged. I have felt like I have lost my meaning. Like I have plateaued.

I have dreams, I have goals, I have hobbies and passions, but the stay-at-home mom scene has pushed those to the back burner for more than a decade.

Until now.

I took a whim and made a last-minute decision to make one of my long-standing dreams come true.

I signed up for photography school.

I’ve been thinking about it for more than a year now but have held back for a couple of reasons. Could I handle school, homework and all of my stay-at-home responsibilities? Could I pay for the schooling? Is it all right for me to put forth so much effort for something that may be a little selfish?

All of those questions have been rattling around in my mind for months as my husband and I have thought about my future.

Maybe it was the end of a very unsettling year, maybe living in Europe for a month last summer changed my perspective, I’m certain that dealing with a disgruntled neighbor while building our treehouse did. It could be that I am having a mid-life crisis. But whatever the reason, I called and signed up for the Fotofly Academy in Salt Lake City the very last week in December.

Things fell into place and it has felt like it has all been meant to be.

Cropping practice for my photography school. If you look close enough you can see a smudge of chocolate under her bottom lip. I was bribing her to hold still.

So I took out a personal loan – my very first loan for schooling – I made it through my bachelor’s degree as a first-time college student on scholarships and hard-earned cash – and I dove right in.

I’m done watching YouTube videos and reading photography blogs, trying to teach myself what I need to know to make my photos great. I’m ready for hands-on, tell-me-what-I-need-to-work-on instruction.

Classes started Jan. 3 and I have enjoyed every minute.

These first couple of weeks have been very challenging. I’ve gone from feeling all right about my skills, to feeling like crap about my skills, to feeling all right again. Multiple times.

More lighting practice for my photography school.

Just yesterday I felt like I had no idea what I was doing while wandering my back yard with my 8-year-old looking for differing light patterns so I could try out what we learned in class. He and I both laughed when I kept turning and tilting him over and over but still couldn’t get it.

That’s when our pup ran past with the rat and distracted me from my homework.

I think that’s how my photography journey is going to be. I’m sure I’ll continue to go from, “Yeah, I can do this!” to “What was I thinking?” and back again.

My stay-at-home mom brain has been strained as I try to master the skills we’ve learned.

The first week my mind circled through f-stop, shutter speed, ISO, f-stop shutter speed, ISO, f-stop, shutter speed, ISO, over and over again.

The second week we added a new layer and I started chanting ribcage, chest height, eye level, ribcage, chest height, eye level.

F-stop practice for my photography school.

This week we are studying light. Now I have another dimension to consider and a new layer of chants: difference in light, position, turn, shift slightly to the shadows.

My mind keeps going. Over and over. I can’t stop thinking about these things. And there’s been much more to remember than these repetitious chants.

But I have learned that the things I enjoy the most in life are the things I have worked the hardest for. It’s rewarding to finally master a skill. I’m going to master photography one class session and homework practice shoot at a time. I’m going to do this if it kills me.

I am happy to say that I have made some progress these first couple of weeks. I am finally shooting in Manual mode – something that has always terrified me in the past.

And I finally modernized my editing game by downloading and learning about Lightroom.

I hesitate to post any pictures I’ve taken for homework on here because I have already learned about a dozen ways to make my early photos look even better, but we all know I’m not big on censorship. So I’m going to do it anyway. The photos with this post are some I’ve taken while trying out the skills I’ve learned.

This is a journey. I’m hoping it takes me far away and that my photos transform along the path as I internalize my studies. I’m hoping you come along with me as I post periodically about becoming a professional photographer. This is going to change my life.

Now if only I can quit cropping people into claustrophobic boxes and find short-light patterns in my surrounding circumstances, I’ll be in business.

Well, in a few months anyway.

I’ve also got to figure out how to get my roller-blading four-year-old to hold still long enough to be my practice model. And how to keep my dog occupied while I’m taking pics outside – no more rats!

Fotofly Academy has been perfect for me so far. I’ve finally paired together two of my passions – learning and photography. It’s a match made in heaven.

Now my only problem is making my other responsibilities seem interesting. For some reason I’d much rather take pictures than fold laundry or scrub toilets.

But then again, who wouldn’t?

Follow my photography journey on Instagram: @natalieclemensphotography.

I am clothing my family by using credit card rewards. It’s amazing.

Several years ago I got conned into signing up for an Old Navy credit card while Black Friday shopping. I was standing in the middle of the night in a never-ending check-out line that wrapped around the Old Navy store about seven times when an associate said if anyone was willing to open a credit card then he’d take them to the front of the line. It was like 2 a.m. and I had an armful of clothes I could only afford if I bought them during the Black-Friday bargain sale. I caved.

But it has turned out to be one of the best rewards programs for my family – ever. I have bought nearly all the clothes I have purchased for our baby girl the past two years using my free Old Navy Rewards money. Thank heavens we’ve had it. Baby girl clothes are so cute, I just can’t help but want to buy them all.

There are many clothing companies out there that offer rewards and each of them are a little different. If you are looking for a way to get free clothes for you or your family and have a favorite store, I recommend looking into their rewards program. Do they have one? What are the benefits?

With the Old Navy card, I get one point for every dollar I spend outside of Old Navy. When I get to 500 points I get a $5 reward. Often times they have promotions where I can earn 3-5 points for every dollar spent outside of Old Navy. So if I buy gas, groceries, etc. during that time frame I can get 5 points for every dollar I spend. That adds up at our house.

Sometimes they have members-only sales. Sometimes they offer members-only free shipping. Sometimes they give me bonus rewards each quarter. They are always offering more incentives.

Right before Christmas I got $200 in Old Navy Rewards. With the holiday sales going on and my rewards I ordered $530 worth of clothes for $13. No joke. I was so excited. Getting that much for free is thrilling.

What does $530 look like?

Here’s a list of what I got:

3 pairs of women’s boots, 2 women’s coats, 1 pair of slippers, 2 pairs of women’s jeggings, 1 women’s sweater, 3 women’s shirts, 2 toddler shirts, 1 pair of toddler sweats, 2 pairs of toddler boots, 2 pairs of boys joggers, 1 pair of women’s leggings, 1 men’s sweater

It still blows my mind.

I know I’m not the only one looking for a bargain and we are definitely not the only family raising kids who are constantly needing new clothes. So I thought I’d share what works for us.

A word of caution – I have to be diligent. I carefully mark each thing I charge onto my card into my online checkbook app. I treat it like a debit card. Then each time my husband gets paid, I reconcile what I have entered into my app with what I have charged onto my card. If it all matches up, I pay off my card. If it doesn’t, I find out what I’m missing, account for it in my app, then I pay off my card. I pay it off every two weeks so that I never have to pay interest.

I’m not a proponent for credit-card debt.  I’m not in any way telling anyone to go out and charge a bunch of money onto a credit card so that you can get free clothes. But these days it’s easier to pay via credit card – especially with how many things I buy online. If you are like me then you are already using a card to make most of your purchases. Why not turn the money you spend into rewards that work for you and your family? If you use the card for stuff you already budget for and stuff you purchase on a regular basis, you should be able to pay it off before accumulating any interest.

Maybe you don’t need clothes. For years my husband and I used a travel rewards card. That’s a major part of how we were able to afford to take our entire family to Italy last summer. Together we had earned more than 300,000 Skymiles. We bought all of the airfare for our family by only paying the fees which were around $700 total. That saved us about $9,000. Do you have a trip you want to go on? Try out a card with a rewards program.

Rewards programs aren’t for everyone, but we have really benefitted from ours. After all the clothes we got for Christmas for free, I couldn’t resist sharing in on our secret.

Do you have a card you like? What are the rewards?

Photo by Clarisa Wanlass

I have a hard time making up my mind. I’m constantly changing. Why is why I struggle with New Year’s resolutions.

I can’t keep the same fingernail polish on for more than two weeks let alone keep up the same exercise routine or write in my journal consistently for an entire year. I have goals, I have plans, I have dreams. But they are always changing and evolving. I can’t promise that I’ll want to do something in May that I started in January – forget about keeping it up until November or December.

Now that I got that off my chest, I can share with you something that I do plan on doing more of this year. And for those of you who have decided to eat healthier or lost weight as part of your resolutions, it may work for the both of us.

I’m going to eat more salads. WAY more salads. And I’m going to stack them nicely into beautiful-looking jars that I can store and pack around anywhere I go.

Photo by Clarisa Wanlass

I am not a salad eater. Most all of you know that I crave French fries and ice cream. I’d prefer to eat at a burger joint where I can slather my food in fry sauce and wash it down with a bubbly root beer.

But early in 2016 one of my friends roped me into doing a salad swap. It turned out to be one of my favorite things.

Each week I would pick out what salad I wanted to make. I would get all the ingredients to make four servings of that salad. I’d prepare all the ingredients then split them up into four different quart-sized mason jars. I’d pack them tight, screw the lid on then head to meet up with three other friends to swap my salad jars with some of theirs.

I would go home with four different salads – lunch for nearly my entire work week.

I grew to love salads. Now I crave them for lunch.

Photo by Clarisa Wanlass

These were not the salads I was used to. Berries, chicken, pasta, almonds, feta, blue cheese, the ingredients were endless.

I got packing the jars down to a science (and I was surprised to find dozens of salad jar pins and recipes online). I’d start by pouring my dressing inside on the bottom of the jar, then I’d add any hearty, crispy vegetables. Next I’d put soft vegetables or fruit. Then I’d add any protein – meat or nuts. Finally I’d top it all off with the salad portion – lettuce, spinach, etc. If the salad called for croutons or chips, I’d add them on top inside a small snack-sized bag.

Not only did it look cool, but the layers kept the salads fresher longer. Then all I had to do when I sat down to eat lunch was dump the ingredients from the jar to a plate and stir them around a bit. Delicious!

The jars are so convenient and easy to carry around anywhere. You can use any salad recipe, the jars help them stay fresh.

Our salad swap lasted a few months before we took a break for the busy summer months and haven’t picked it back up yet. This fall my husband and I started our own swap – we’d make salad jars together on Sunday night to eat all week. He’d take his to work, I’d take mine to wherever my crazy life led me.

I’m hoping we can get organized and do it a bunch this year. To inspire you to do the same, I’ve included some more amazing pics below that one of my best friends Clarisa took.

Oh, and here are some links to a few of my favorite easy, delicious recipes:

http://lilluna.com/copycat-applebees-oriental-salad/

http://allrecipes.com/recipe/14281/bodacious-broccoli-salad/

http://www.gooseberrypatch.com/gooseberry/recipe.nsf/55e548eeef8c89b9852568d4004c5ffe/883EC4A4C28F7D26852578DA006B5EE5

http://www.food.com/recipe/dorito-taco-salad-343008

2016. This year has been a blur. It’s been filled with major roller coaster ups and downs. Dreams coming true. Dreams dashed. Then dreams coming true again – and that was just while we were building the treehouse.

Then we got to spend a month in a foreign country. Who gets to do that?

This year I have realized more than most years that “things” can’t make me happy. I have vowed to get rid of the clutter in my life and spend more time doing the things I love with the people I love.

I have clung to the seconds, minutes and hours that have ticked by transforming my babies into toddlers, preschoolers and elementary school kids.

I have watched those kids pursue their dreams. I have reveled in their successes and held them tight during their heartaches.

My heart has continued to mourn the little boy that is missing from our family. This year I cycled back through the stages of grief. From anger, to depression to acceptance – then I cycled around again. I think each year will be like this.

We’ve filled 2016 with parties and pizzas. It’s been a great time in my life.

And I’m ready for more.

Here’s to more peaceful resolutions with disgruntled neighbors. Here’s to eating more gelato with friends. Here’s to more home improvement projects. Here’s to more time spent doing things that matter. Things that we love. Here’s to 2017.

It’s been like Christmas for me for more than a month now. Why? Because our 18-month long kitchen remodel wrapped up completely in November. Wahoo!

It took longer and was more expensive than we planned, but most of the projects around here shake out that way. It’s now finished. And it’s beautiful. I don’t even dare cook in it.

We started in April 2014. We ripped out all the old cabinets and the soffit above the cabinets. I wanted to maximize every inch possible.

My boys loved helping us tear out the wall between the kitchen and living room. Again I wanted to maximize the space.

It sounds so easy when I summarize it in this post. But it was long and hard. If you are looking to test the strength of your marriage, try a major remodeling project. My poor husband has to deal with my indecisiveness and my anxiety when my house is in a mess.

We ran into several hiccups during the process – like waiting for what felt like FOREVER to get the cabinets installed, having mounds and mounds of insulation tumble on top of us when the soffit came down, finding a major leak behind the sheetrock and into the basement laundry room, discovering that it was virtually impossible to remove the wire mesh under the tiles we tried to replace.

But probably the most shocking and stirring kink in our plans was my parents house burning down when we were a week into the kitchen remodel. We had no stove and no kitchen sink but we wanted to have them around as much as possible.

People in their neighborhood were bringing meals into my family while we took shifts sorting through my parents ashes. They brought meals into my broken apart kitchen. It was a mess. But then again it was also a blessing. People were so generous. Watching my parents go through that gave me more patience with the builders and cabinet makers. It put things into perspective.

Most of the remodel was done in a few months. We had the cabinets in place, we replaced several tiles that were left open when we rearranged the floor plan. We took out the florescent lighting and installed can lights. We put in a light and fan in the living room. We tore a hole in the wall to the garage and put in a door to get to our vehicles. We put in a tile backsplash. We installed granite countertops and a granite composite sink. All of that came together quickly.

I think we got burned out after that and we took a break.

This fall we were ready to finish. We had enough saved up to buy new appliances when Black Friday sales hit. They were installed right before Thanksgiving. I couldn’t be happier.

That inspired me to wrap up the other tiny things. I caulked around the cabinets, stained the grout in the tile so it all matched, carpeted the stairs in the garage (we had leftover carpet from the tree house so why not?) and put up some under-the-cabinet lights.

We bought four more red barstools and a counter-height kitchen table so that we can extend things to seat ten when we have people over.

We also put in a gate in the garage. Eventually I may put a pantry in there but I wanted a gate to open so I could shove groceries onto the landing from the ground floor. I love it!

When I look at pictures of how it turned out I can’t believe that they are pictures of my own kitchen. I am so blessed.

Here are some before and after shots: