Words of Wisdom

I wouldn’t wish the loss of a child on my worst enemy. And yet, during the past couple of months I have seen three friends forced to face that loss. I am seriously starting to worry that I am jinxing those around me.

I don’t know if I just wasn’t as sensitive to it before, but it seems like pregnancy loss is all around me now.

Ever since Luca died I have been terrified of pregnant women. I worry for them. I stress over them. I feel awkward and nervous around them. I know first-hand that a positive pregnancy test doesn’t necessarily guarantee a healthy bundle of joy at the end of 9-month’s time.

So I’m starting to think I should steer clear of expecting women just in case my bad luck may be rubbing off on them.

The most recent loss impacted me more than I ever imagined it could. My friend delivered her tiny baby girl stillborn at 22 weeks. I went to see my friend and practically cried through the entire visit. I hate that someone I care about will have to face similar sorrows as I did as she works toward healing her broken heart.

Not only did her loss conjure up memories and emotions of when we laid little Luca to rest, but it brought back all of the raw feelings of true sorrow I have experienced off and on during the past 15 months.

The worst part is that even though I have survived the death of a child I am no resident expert on how to live through that loss. Everyone is so different and will have different ways to heal.

You could say that people are being placed in my path because I will be able to relate to what they are going through, but I still don’t know what to say to those who share a similar fate. I have no words of wisdom to help ease others’ pain. There were no words to comfort me when my arms were empty and my heart crushed into pieces. Nothing anyone said or did would ever bring breath back to my baby’s lips and so it did nothing to help.

I wish I were a stronger person. That people could come to me and I could help them understand and work through their losses. But honestly usually all I do is cry as I tell them what they already know – that losing a child stinks. And it stinks forever. There’s no magic solution to remove the pain.

After Luca died, I wanted to be around other women who had experienced a loss. I knew they couldn’t take away my pain, but I still wanted to know how they felt, what caused their child’s death, what they did to remember their baby, and so on. I wanted to hear that they had reacted like I had and that I was “normal” in my loss.

They were the only ones who could relate to what I was going through. The only ones who knew how it felt to bury a baby.

I guess that even though I have no inspirational advice on how to get rid of the pain, I still may have something else to offer. The fact that I survived. Survived all of the lonely nights of self-pity, worry and guilt. Survived the shock, horror and grief. Survived the hardest thing I could ever imagine experiencing.

Maybe the fact that I could keep living in spite of my grief will be inspiration enough. I just hope and pray that my friends who will need that inspiration will be few and far between. Like I said before, I wouldn’t wish the loss of a child on my worst enemy.

5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Wendy
    Aug 11, 2011 @ 15:12:20

    I have noticed it a lot more in my life as well (much more than I would like to say)…and I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’m now in the thick of those fragile, child-bearing years and therefore, by the sheer numbers of people having babies, it has to be more common. But I know in my heart that it is deeper than that…that there is a real reason for everything.

    The thing we all have to remember is that having a child is still one of the greatest miracles out there and that it is impossible to predict what will happen in any case. It is a gift of God that cannot be matched by science or technology and therefore is subject to sadness and loss. But knowing that somewhere in time there is an explanation for everything, has to be what gets us all through the hard times and inexplicable feelings of guilt and pain.

    I would only wish that every person has a friend as sweet as you, regardless of your past, present or future and whatever they are tasked with going through. That could, in fact, make all the difference in their lives.


    • Natalie
      Aug 18, 2011 @ 07:04:59

      I love everything you said! As much as I would like to think that I have control over my life, I know that the Lord is really the one in control. He knows what will be best for all of us in the long run.


  2. Julia
    Aug 11, 2011 @ 21:18:21

    Girl I to lost my little layten at 38 weeks and he would be 6 months old your story touched me I’m sorry we have to bare this pain xoxo


  3. Trackback: Boogers 2011 Recap « Boogers on the Wall

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