Boogers on the Wall

Summer.

Usually it kicks my butt. I am begging for school to start two weeks into our summer vacation.

My kids won’t stop fighting, the house looks like a hurricane blew through and I am so, so tired.

But this year was different.

I finally started taking medication.

In May I started an anti-anxiety prescription. It was perfect. I had a month for it to kick in before the kids were under foot all the time.

I’ve thought about taking it for years. I’ve mentioned on this blog several times that I should be on medication. I’ve joked about it but all the while I knew it was true.

I’ve always been a high energy, always-want-to-be-busy-doing-things type person. My genetics mixed with my personality then topped with the death of my stillborn baby did me in. I spent last winter and the better part of this spring stressed out of my mind and ultra depressed.

It was time.

I could no longer cope on my own.

So I went to a therapist and I started my meds.

I now realize I should have started them years ago. I don’t think medication is for everyone. But I do think that I held off starting a prescription because I thought I should be able to fix my stress on my own. I thought it should be something I could fix. What was wrong with me? I had to hit a breaking point before I realized it was ok for me to need help. Prescription help.

There may be some of you out there that would NEVER think medication is all right. You have never lived inside my brain. It has never been able to stop. EVER. But now, for the first time in what feels like FOREVER I can semi relax.

I no longer feel like everything has to be straightened and put away precisely. I can live with a handful of weeds in my flowerbeds. I don’t stress over a sticky floor and I don’t turn the house upside down when I misplace something.

I can handle my kids tapping at the dinner table and screaming lyrics at the top of their lungs. I don’t even mind listening to music now. It used to stress me out to have too much noise.

I could go on and on about the things that meds have helped with.

Sure I still get frustrated. I still get stressed. And I still get bummed out when life gives me drama. But my medicine has taken the edge off. I’m not going to lose my mind anymore.

My prescription has helped me immensely with my kids.

It helped me with my summer.

For once in my life I didn’t have to have a schedule. We sat around going with the flow, making plans when we felt like it.

For once in my life I didn’t feel like I had to do everything myself. I was able to let go and let my kids help with the dishes and laundry – even if they folded differently or loaded the dishwasher differently than I would have.

For once I didn’t have to start and then complete a project all in one day. It took us a couple of weeks to move bedroom furniture and closet contents around when my kids switched rooms. And that was OK.

For once I could sit back and laugh with my kids and not feel stressed that my house wasn’t spotless.

This summer has been amazing.

I have been terribly sad to see it go.

Because I have finally figured out how to live with myself.

I have finally taken a chill pill.