Bed Hogs

Four. The average number of times a night I am ripped from peaceful slumber by one of my tiny offspring.

I guess my 2-year-old and 5-year-old love living with a zombie mom because that’s what I have become.

A zombie.

Every night both of them meander into my room and climb up into my bed. Then it’s a tug-of-war-I-don’t-have-enough-room-in-my-queen-bed-for-all-of-us kind of night. For some reason it’s gotten worse the past couple of months.

If it doesn’t change, I am going to end up a wrinkled old hag suffering from sleep-deprived dimentia at age 35.

Occasionally I will awake just as they are wandering into my room and I stumble them back to their beds. But most of the time I don’t realize they are there until I wake up stuck between the two of them unable to move like a fish in a can of sardines.

I want my bed back.

Sometimes they wake up because they are “thirsty.” That’s when I want to take their sippy cups and throw them at the wall. Either that or strap a water-filled baby bottle to their wrist so they can quench their thirst at midnight without me.

I’ve tried to load them up with water bottles by their bed but it never fails. Those nights they’ll scream “milk” and won’t relent until I pour them some cow juice.

I don’t care who you are, after several months of being woken up multiple times a night, you’ll end up with your cell phone in the microwave and your lunch in the shower.

Trust me. I am losing my mind.

You’d think the lack of sleep would be getting to their young bodies too but no. Their little eyes pop open with the sun. How can they survive on such restless slumber when I’m exhausted and ready for bed by 4 p.m. each day?

Something’s got to give. I’m tired. I’m grumpy. And being tired and grumpy only adds to my stress and anxiety.

But I don’t know how it’s going to change. Aside from me locking them in their rooms – which, despite my frustration, I don’t feel right about.

So the cycle continues. Until I can come up with a way to hypnotize them to stay in their warm, comfy beds all night.

That’s all I’ve got.

I can’t think of any other good ideas. I’m too tired.

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