Why Not Luca?

IMG_1201p8x10Author’s note: I wrote this post then decided not to post it. Then changed my mind and decided to post it. Hey, I might be bitter and harsh and jealous but today that’s me and I haven’t censored myself yet on this blog. So read on if you dare. Just know that I don’t always feel like this, sometimes life just gets to me.

I have heard a lot of miraculous stories in my life. People living through fires, car accidents, tragic medical conditions, you name it – stories of humans surviving the most horrific and tragic of circumstances. Uplifting stories where you can’t help but be excited that these people pulled through. And although I am thrilled for them, I can’t help but wonder why not me.

I read a story yesterday that really struck me. A little baby survived in the womb living through its twin’s miscarriage and its mother taking two abortion pills. (You can read more about that here.)

Seriously? How exciting for that mom. At 6 weeks she though she had lost everything only to find out later that she had another life growing inside her – a life that is now four months old and healthy.

But I’m not only excited for her, I’m extremely jealous of her. Her baby lived through the most crazy medical situation possible. Yet my son died from an umbilical cord accident. An accident where fetal demise is so rare it’s not even funny.

Babies are born and live though knots in their cords all of the time. My own brother had his cord wrapped around his neck. But for some reason my little guy’s knot was too tight. Why?

I know what you’re thinking, “Give it up already!” I can’t. For some reason I have been bitten by the bitter bug.

Why can other people live through horrendous conditions and yet I had to give birth to a stillborn baby?

Now our family has not been without miracles. I’ve seen the hand of God in my life many times. Just last year my father-in-law walked out of a rehab center after suffering a ruptured aorta and multiple strokes. That has been one of the biggest miracles I have witnessed.

But I just can’t help but wonder why not Luca? Why couldn’t I have miraculously delivered my little boy BEFORE the knot cinched down too tight? Why couldn’t he be added to the list of babies who miraculously came back to life while his mother held him on her chest?

Heaven knows while I held his still, little body I thought that any moment his chest was going to move up and down.

But it didn’t.

I know that things happen for a reason but I still can’t figure this one out. Why do some people live while others die?

Uggh. I’ll never understand.

I will always wish my little Luca could have been saved by a miracle.


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