Oh Baby, Oh Baby!


Baby 5Here we go again. I’m 12 – almost 13 – weeks pregnant and once again I am terrified. Not because I don’t want to have a baby. But because I DO.

I want to hold it and kiss it and cradle it. Not just once but millions of times over dozens of years.

This is the second time I have carried a baby since we lost our third son. He was born sleeping at 37 weeks gestation. We had set up the crib. We had filled his dresser. We had bought diapers and wipes and binkies.

When we called family and friends to tell them the news, they thought he was alive and well. It was devastating.

It’s been four years, but I’ll never get over losing him. (You can read more about him here.)

And that’s why I’m scared out of my mind to be risking it all again. Because I have learned that sometimes tragic things do happen to ME.

I’ve made it three months. Only six to go – half a year.

I can do this.

But I’m going to have to take it one day at a time. One hour, maybe even sometimes one minute at a time.

Like I said, this is the second time I have carried a baby since we lost Luca. The first time ended perfectly. In July 2012 we were blessed with our beautiful little rainbow baby. He has defrosted much of my frozen heart and reminded me that there is still hope in the world. (You can read about that here.)

Hopefully that hope will carry me through the next several months. Hopefully it will keep me going when I am worried sick.

Because I know I will have times when I will go out of my mind with fear. For I will be the first to know if something goes wrong. Like that fateful day four years ago when I noticed our baby stopped moving.

I don’t want to go through that again.

So I’m going to be selfish the next six months. I am going to take deep breaths and eat a lot of ice cream. I’m going to soak in the bathtub and listen to my favorite Pandora station.

I’m going to take time to relax and enjoy every moment.

I am going to focus on me. I’ve got to.

I have three favors to ask all of you this time around.

First, PLEASE don’t congratulate me. I don’t want you to jinx anything.  And it may sound harsh, but I don’t want to hear it. Not until my baby is born alive and well. Then you can scream congratulations from the mountaintops – we can shout happy news together.

What can you say instead of congrats? If you really want to know, ask me how I’m doing. That’s my second request.

Help me stay sane during the next 27 weeks. Call me, text me, email me, whatever. I know I’m going to turn into a hermit. I’ll need lots of encouragement and motivation. I’m sure there will be many days I’ll just want to stay in bed or lounge on the couch, but that’s not good for me.

I can do this. I can!

Finally, don’t ask me what I am having. I will proudly declare: “A human!”

As the mother of four beautiful boys, chances are that I am carrying a fifth.

I’ve decided I’m not going to tell anyone what it is. ANYONE. If you happen to see me decorating or buying new baby clothes you might be able to guess, but I’m not going to come right out and say it.

I don’t want to hear what I’ve already heard over and over and over: “No girls?”, “I hope you get a girl this time,” etc.

I don’t care what it is. Don’t get me wrong. I’d love to wrap up a little one in pink, but if I have learned anything through losing Luca, I have learned not to take anything for granted. Especially when it comes to my children.

Whatever it is, boy or girl, I will love it because it will be mine.

Let’s just hope we both make it until October 12.

3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Anonymous
    Apr 04, 2014 @ 22:00:08

    You can do this. Because I will be praying for you each and everyday. You have been my sorce of knowing I could do it this last year. The only thing I hate is that I will not to hold this little one as much. Boys are great and I am cheering for another Boston.


  2. Trackback: Gender Reveal, We’re Having A ….. | Boogers on the Wall

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