Baby?

I am less than a month from my due date and feeling a little overwhelmed.

At times anxiety threatens to take over my every though and action. Other times the thought of actually bringing home a little baby boy stresses me to the max.

I have only written a few times during the past 37 weeks about what it has been like to carry a life after the last one I carried died. It is terrifying, exciting, hope inspiring, and stressful to say the least.

There are times when I feel absolutely fine. Almost like I am not even pregnant. I think my mind has naturally slightly detached itself from the baby my body is carrying. It has kept a safe distance – in order to protect itself in case of another tragedy.

A lot of times when I think about bringing a baby to my house I don’t even know what to do.  I can’t wrap my mind around that. It has been a long time since I have nursed or diapered a little one. I have major feelings of inadequacy.

I don’t even know if I am ready to care for this baby.

There’s a small closet in my bathroom that is stocked chuck full of diapers, wipes, toiletries and other baby essentials. I am pretty sure I have everything you could possibly need or want for this baby. But that doesn’t mean I have it all out.

I bought a new dresser and filled it with clothes, but everything else is at bay. Until I bring my little bundle of joy home, I will not get out the car seat or stroller and you better believe I will not set up the bassinet or crib.

Those were the hardest things to take down after Luca died.

My mother-in-law bought me the cutest new diaper bag. I have halfway filled it. I know I should get it ready, in case there is a moment of panic, but I just can’t – yet.

There have been times during the past 8 months when I am sure my baby is going to die. The fact that I am the first one who will know if he stops moving has almost been too much to bear.

He is particularly still in the morning. But no matter how many times I tell myself that is normal for him, I still end up lying in fear on my side in my bed waiting, worrying.

There are times throughout the day when I try to remember the last time he moved. Sometimes I’ll stop everything I am doing and sit still on my couch for a long while until I feel him kick or wiggle.

If only he could move and squirm all of the time. Although it may be unsettling, at least I would know he is alive.

I am anywhere between 36-38 weeks pregnant – depending how you count. That means I have anywhere between 2-4 weeks to wait. Yet another reason why this control freak is stressing. Add my weekly shots that I was taking to stop my body from going into premature labor, and I have no idea when the little one will arrive.

Thank heavens the natural nesting instinct has kicked in, keeping me busy cleaning every nook and cranny in my home. It might be driving my husband crazy, but it helps with my anxiety and allows me to feel in control of something.

But I am running out of nooks and crannies. Hopefully I deliver soon. The anticipation is killing me.

Sometimes I want to scream out loud, “Am I really going to have a baby?” It still hasn’t sunk in.

At this point I know I am going to HAVE to deliver, but will I get to HAVE my baby?

10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Natalie Gines
    Jun 14, 2012 @ 11:47:19

    Natalie, my prayers are with you!! Good luck. The next few weeks will probably feel like an eternity for you.

    Reply

  2. Elise
    Jun 14, 2012 @ 14:24:12

    Man, you are a good writer! I totally feel like I can see/feel it through your eyes. (although, admittedly not at the same level as you really feel it, since I’ve never actually been through it) I would LOVE to hear that you went into labor (sooner rather than later would be cool) and had a healthy baby… and had to call/text someone (maybe even me? 🙂 ) to tell them your diaper bag/crib/bassinet/whatever wasn’t ready yet and you needed them to finish setting it up for you or fill and bring it to you. There are tons of people out there that’d love doing those jobs for you and your family. Don’t worry about the things like that that stress you out – ignore them completely, if possible. Others out there (like me) can totally help you when the time comes.

    As for your new little baby, try hard to not worry about him. I know that’ll be impossible to do completely until he’s here in your arms. I’m sorry!

    Reply

  3. Tara@Keep Moving Forward With Me
    Jun 14, 2012 @ 15:30:52

    I found your blog through the KSL Bloggers facebook group. Can’t even imagine what you are going through after the loss of your last baby. If you are in Salt Lake (or nearby), I highly recommend Salt Lake Prenatal Massage (http://www.slcprenatalmassage.com/). They do massage (which every pregnant woman needs), doula services, and Rebecca also does Clarity Coaching. Just talking to Rebecca during my massages helped me work through some tough emotions from prior births. Anyway, hope your little guy is in your arms soon! Best wishes these next few week

    Reply

    • Natalie
      Jun 15, 2012 @ 08:05:00

      Thanks for reading Tara! I have a good friend who owns a salon/massage place in Ogden. I went and got a prenatal massage a few months ago when my nerves were pinched in my legs and I was having major pain. It was wonderful, and I haven’t had leg pain since! I should go get another one. You are right, it is great to talk things over.

      Reply

  4. Cherrie Gray
    Jun 14, 2012 @ 20:54:21

    Hey! Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you. I am getting nervous myself with my pregnancy. Have since the beginning in fact. I constantly fear this one will come early like Asher. And I cannot got thru what we went thru again. It was so hard. And the therapy, dr appointments, procedures etc consumes my time. Although its nothing compared to what you have been thru, I know a little of how you feel. It has been very hard to get excited with this one for some reason. All I do is worry. I just want a happy, healthy child. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you and your family. I will even take the boys for a few hours so you can have sometime alone. Let’s go to the splashpad or something and talk and let the kids play. Hang in there! Love ya Natalie!

    Reply

    • Natalie
      Jun 15, 2012 @ 08:09:13

      Thanks Cherrie! I am sure it is so hard not really knowing why you went early with Asher. She is so cute though! I’ll be praying that you carry this one full term. And yes, we need to go do something. That will take both of our minds of everything. I’ll text you. Let’s plan on doing something next week!

      Reply

  5. @ErinHiscocks
    Jun 16, 2012 @ 11:11:02

    You will make it, only a few weeks (days?) to go. Good luck to you.

    I haven’t even successfully conceived since starting to try again after the loss of my daughter; but, I feel like this ALL. THE. TIME.
    “There have been times during the past 8 months when I am sure my baby is going to die.”
    “…will I get to HAVE my baby?”

    Reply

  6. Lana
    Jun 18, 2012 @ 09:25:52

    Natalie! It was so great seeing you yesterday, even if only for a minute. I’ve been thinking of you almost every day since you’re so close to having this cute little guy. You are THE cutest pregnant person ever! I am sure praying hard for you that everything will turn out okay and that when he finally comes you’ll get to hug him, kiss him and look into his eyes and take him home and enjoy every minute! I often think of how difficult it would be to lose Nellie after having her for these few months. It would just be awful and heartbreaking. You’re truly a rock! Oh and I saw the article you wrote on your mom in that book at DB. So neat! Love you lots! I’ll be in Roy a few times in the next couple of weeks…do you want to get together or maybe I could just stop by and visit? Message me on FB and let me know. 🙂

    Reply

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