Gender War

I have had a few different reactions from people when I tell them I am expecting. Several people have told me that they hope I have a girl.

I have my 16-week appointment today and may actually find out if I’m carrying a boy or girl.

But honestly I don’t care what I have. I feel bad because last week I snapped at someone when they said they were hoping I got a girl. I told them, “Well, I just hope I get something.”

That’s the cold hard truth. I don’t care if I’m carrying a boy or a girl. I just want to be able to bring it home to sleep in its bassinet next to my bed at night.

But I wouldn’t be completely honest with myself if I didn’t admit that there are two main reasons why having a girl would ease my mind. (Notice I said “ease my mind” not “make me happy.”)

Neither of those reasons has anything to do with the fact that I have never hairbowed or ponytailed my offspring. Heaven knows I love playing with my boys.  And I can draw on a pretty mean pirate mustache and sew a great bowtie.

But I have already had some nervous, anxious moments during my pregnancy. For some reason as I get further along, I feel like having a girl may ease my chances of completely succumbing to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I guess in my mind a gender change would make things seem a lot more different therefore lessening my chances of a repeat stillbirth. It makes no sense I know, but I’m not of a sound mind these days.

What will I do if it is a boy? Probably worry day and night like I am already doing. I have made some other changes this pregnancy. Hopefully a new doctor and new hospital to deliver in will make things seem different enough.

But there’s another reason a girl baby may ease my mind.

We watch the movie “Hook” a lot at our house. There is a scene toward the end of the show that has been haunting me lately. Peter Pan goes back to check on his mother several years after he left her for Neverland. He flies to her window and sees her with a new baby.

She is very happy, as a new mother should be, but Peter takes that to mean that she has forgotten about him. That he has been replaced.

My heart would break if somewhere in the heavens Luca would ever think that he has been replaced. I can never fix the hole his death left in my heart. I am pretty sure I will live my whole life wondering what things would be like if he had lived. I will probably always watch kids who were born his same year and dream of him doing what they are doing.

I don’t know why, but the thought of having a girl lessens my worry of him feeling replaced. My husband and I have always wanted several children. Losing Luca hasn’t changed that. Had Luca lived I may have been trying for my fourth by now anyway.

I know a lot of this sounds crazy. Boy or girl, above all, I just hope that my baby is healthy and born kicking and screaming.

And If it is a boy, I just have to hope that the Lost Boys will keep Luca company until I can find my happy thought and find the strength to fly to the “Second star to the right and straight on ‘til morning.”

11 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Lana
    Jan 26, 2012 @ 11:01:54

    Can’t wait to find out what it is…hopefully it will cooperate and you’ll find out! 🙂 Good luck!!

    Reply

    • Natalie
      Jan 27, 2012 @ 06:38:45

      Thanks Lana. I can’t wait to find out what you are having! Any updates?

      Reply

      • Lana
        Jan 27, 2012 @ 09:13:08

        So, how did the boys respond to the news that it’s a boy? Was it your oldest that thought it was a boy? I can’t remember. I’m so excited for you! I know Luca will always be with you!
        I wasn’t dilated at my appt Tuesday, so I’m planning on going for the long haul. 🙂 One week from Sunday.
        Way to go, by the way, on your ceiling! I can’t believe how fast you go that done!

      • Natalie
        Jan 30, 2012 @ 06:47:01

        The boys are thrilled! My oldest has been saying that he wanted a boy so that he can teach it to like sharks LOL. Good luck this week. I am hoping you have your baby soon. You better let me know when you do!

      • Lana
        Jan 31, 2012 @ 10:50:57

        Cute! I will let you know. 🙂

  2. six-pack momma
    Jan 26, 2012 @ 14:27:51

    You got me crying at the end there…..Luca knows your heart. And just like him, I am so happy for you guys!

    Reply

  3. Jolene Allen
    Jan 26, 2012 @ 17:51:08

    Natalie,
    Luca will always know that no one can replace him. Of course you will look at others who will be his age and wonder what he would be like. I still look at those who would be my babies age and wonder what it would be like to see it as an adult. My nephew was born on the due date of my baby and I watch him and wonder what kind of a parent it would be. You will not stop worrying about this baby till it is borned. I worried until Justin was placed in my arms for the first time. If you ever need someone to vent to call me.

    Reply

  4. Alison
    Jan 30, 2012 @ 00:25:45

    Natalie,
    Jackie told me you were pregnant. I am REALLY happy for you! Of course I felt like your pregnant and terrified post was taken off of my blog. I felt the exact. same. way. I feel like I am just now (my baby is 9 months old) starting to rebuild my life. I feel like the last two years were a big blur and not “my life.”

    Suggestions from someone who has walked in your shoes… At the end of my most recent and successful pregnancy my doctor started doing NST (Non-Stress) tests twice a week. I think we started the tests when I was about 34ish weeks. I would see him once during that week, and the other visit I only had the NST and he would only check the results. They treated me like a Gestational Diabetes patient. I am not sure if you are familiar with how the NSTs work. They monitor the baby’s heartbeat and send shock waves to the baby. If the baby “stresses out” that is good. If they don’t, then something might be wrong, in which case they could more likely save the baby. My doctor had not delivered a stillborn for 19 years before he delivered my Bridger. So, I have 100% faith in his method. I also got two 4D ultrasounds. One at 20 weeks and one at 23 weeks. Both times the Ultrasound tech tried her best to follow the blood flow of my baby’s cord. Both times everything looked good.

    Whether the NSTs or ultrasounds could have prevented a problem or not, I felt more comforted. I also got a doppler to listen to my baby’s heartbeat at home. When I went to the hospital (Mckay Dee) 10 days before Paige’s due date I was desperate to have my still alive baby be born. The charge nurse became aware of my past and helped make sure I could stay and have my baby that day!

    Anyway, sorry this is so long. I have only met you briefly (when we made skirts at Jackie’s house) but of course I feel like we are bonded. I pray that this baby makes it safely into your arms.

    *Hugs*

    Alison Jenkins

    Reply

    • Natalie
      Jan 30, 2012 @ 06:45:18

      Alison,

      Thank you so much for everything you said. It is amazing to me how eerily similar our stories are. I can relate to what you said about the past 2 years. I printed off all of my photos from 2010 this week. As I looked through them I realized how much I had forgotten about my life. I have been a walking zombie for so long just trying to get by!

      I am pretty sure I will go through the NST like you did. My doctor said that at about 30 weeks he would have me come in once a week for “monitoring” and that I would probably get sick of coming in and sitting there so often. Doubtful. I don’t know if he’ll do my regular appointments at that time, or if I’ll come in again that week for an additional appointment. My doctor is confident that everything will be fine, I think that the monitoring is more for my peace of mind 🙂

      I had an ultra sound last week and everything looks good. I will have my mid-pregnancy ultra sound in a few weeks and I am sure I will ask a million questions about the cord, blood flow, etc. I hate that they can’t really “see” the cord and it’s kinks, knots and twists.

      I have thought about using a doppler monitor but I am worried that I would become overly obsessed about it so I have decided not to do it. Maybe I’ll regret that decision, but who knows.

      I feel like I have a long road ahead of me but I am hoping the next 23 weeks go by quickly. I find great comfort in hearing stories of other mothers who have been through pregnancy after a loss. Especially when the loss was so similar to mine.

      Thanks again for your support, it means a lot to me!

      Natalie

      Reply

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