Pregnant and Terrified

I am three months pregnant and absolutely terrified. 

Don’t get me wrong I am also thrilled. My husband and I have waited a year to see a double pink line appear. But that doesn’t mean my hand wasn’t shaking while holding the testing stick and I was able to get any sleep the night we found out.

I have waited for this baby for a long, long time. I wrote about my struggles getting pregnant back in October. Less than a month later I found out I was expecting. I am so grateful for the love and support I have received recently.

I have tried to take a cautiously optimistic approach to this pregnancy. My boys are extremely excited and have big plans for what they are going to do with their new sibling.

I am extremely grateful to be carrying another life.

But on the other hand I am scared to death. Scared of death to be exact.

The odds of my unborn child dying are seriously slim to none. But I’ve heard that before. There is absolutely no one who can guarantee that in 6 months I will be bringing a bundle of joy home to raise here on earth.

I have made it past the 9-week mark. That’s when my second pregnancy ended in miscarriage. But I still have 23 weeks to go to make it to the 37-week mark when Luca died.

Some days I am completely fine. I feel at peace with my body and my new baby. But other days I get severely anxious and nervous.

Like the day I woke up without any nausea. I have been pretty sick for the past two months and so I was convinced that I had lost my baby because I felt fine.

Then I had an ultrasound at 10 weeks. Everything looked great. Until I got the photos home and it looked like one of the pictures of my baby’s umbilical cord showed a knot.

I stressed over that photo for two weeks. Until I took the picture in to my doctor and he reassured me that it wasn’t a knot and that my baby was too small to make a knot yet anyway.

Any time I am scheduled for an appointment I have serious stress. My biggest fear is that I will go to an ultrasound and my child’s heart won’t be beating on the screen. Or that my doctor won’t be able to find the sound of the heartbeat with his doplar monitor.

But these are stresses I knew I would have. Stresses that I have to have in order to risk bringing another life into the world. I knew it would be rough and I am in for the long haul.

July 10 won’t come fast enough.

Until then I am going to indulge in my cravings and dream up ways to get more sleep.

12 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Amanda Joy
    Jan 12, 2012 @ 06:53:23

    Congratulations! I am so happy for you. I am sorry for the stress and anxiety you are feeling. What if you got one of the little sonogram machines to keep at home? Then, in moments of panic, you could check and make sure that everything is okay. It might be a little more money than you would normally spend, but it would be worth it for the piece of mind. It is tough on the nerves to have to wait 4 weeks in between Dr. visits.

    Reply

    • Natalie
      Jan 12, 2012 @ 07:30:40

      Thanks Amanda! I have thought about getting one of those machines and gone back and forth about it. Supposedly there is a website that will donate one to you for free during your pregnancy if you have had a loss. But, I think it’s probably not the best thing for me. I would probably become overly obsessed about it :). Last time I went to the doctor it took him a minute to find the heartbeat with his machine. I can’t imagine how I would panic if I couldn’t find it at home on my own. When I get farther along I will be going in weekly for extensive monitoring. Hopefully that, along with my baby’s movement, will give me some peace of mind.

      Reply

  2. Whitney
    Jan 12, 2012 @ 12:18:27

    Oh Natalie I am so excited for you! I cant imagine the thoughts running through your mind with everything you have gone through! Love you lots and hope everything runs smoothly!

    Reply

  3. Lana
    Jan 12, 2012 @ 12:24:29

    Natalie…I want to cry! For joy and happiness for you because I know how long you’ve waited. And also for sadness knowing how hard it’s going to be with what you’ve gone through. Just know I love you, am so happy for you and Travis, and am praying for you!

    Reply

  4. Elise
    Jan 13, 2012 @ 11:14:02

    Yay!!! I hope your anxiety lessens some when you can start to feel the baby move around. That helped mine – although I know it’s not a complete cure. Let me know if you need anything; I am more than happy to help!

    Reply

  5. Shantel
    Jan 13, 2012 @ 12:54:09

    You are amazing. You have already proved this. I also cannot pretend to imagine what a good thing to say would be except “Congratulations!”, you are amazing. What courage- I hold you in the highest reguard. I am so happy for you and pray that all will be well. Again, congratulations!

    Reply

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