No More Nightmares

I dream of the day I can actually dream about my angel baby. I’m talking about sweet, peaceful dreams, not wickedly horrifying nightmares.

I have only had a handful of nightmares about Luca since his stillbirth last spring. But those nightmares are powerful enough that they burn into my memory making them impossible to forget. As if the nightmare of giving birth to a non-living baby isn’t bad enough. Try reliving it a number of times while you are trying to catch some ZZZs.

I don’t know why I can’t dream of him in a white robe floating on a cloud. Or hanging out in heaven with my grandma Fern and grandpa Leo.

Instead I either relive his nightmarish birth, or dream that I’m in denial about his death and therefore carrying around his dead little body. It’s horrible.

I have heard of people who have peaceful, even helpful dreams about their deceased loved ones. I’ve even heard of people being visited by their loved ones spirits. Not me. Not yet anyway.

I wish I new what triggered the nightmares. I’m afraid they get worse when I do things like flip through his picture book or think about the day I had him. But I can’t just forget about him. Even if it means I chance having another nightmarish flashback.

There’s a song that plays on his memory video with lyrics that haunt me. It says, “Are you really gone? Are you? Whisper to me, come to me in a dream, promise it’s more than it seems.” I both love and hate that song. Sometimes I think the whole experience with his pregnancy and birth was a big dream. Then I look at the pictures and realize it was real. I really did have my baby die.

I want him to whisper to me. I even want him to come to me in a dream – but not a nightmare. Let’s be honest. Life without him is nightmare enough. I don’t need that raw panic feeling eating at my broken heart during my sleep. It’s bad enough when I’m awake.

3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. lindsay
    Jul 12, 2011 @ 23:02:50

    this used to happen to me. i guess it still does. just not as often. i remember those sleepless nights all to well. the nightmares i had about my baby were pretty similar to what you described and caused pretty bad anxiety for me. so for awhile i quite going to sleep, to avoid it all. i would just stay awake until i finally dozed off. whenever that would be. this went on for awhile. i finally mentioned it to my doctor. thinking i needed some sort of medication. she suggested seeing a therapist. it has helped alot. hang in there. i am so sorry, this sucks.


  2. Kerstie
    Jul 15, 2011 @ 22:43:56

    I’ve only had a total of three dreams of the one’s I have lost. One where I sat and just talked and told them everything they had missed, that one was my favorite and very peaceful. Another was re-living the funeral but, I had actually gotten to say my good byes and hugs to maybe that one was a peaceful one.


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