Boogers on the Wall

I’ll never forget my overnight stay in the hospital the night Luca died. I opted to move to a different hospital floor to avoid other mothers and babies. It was late when we got moved and I had been up for nearly 24 hours.

I was exhausted but sleep didn’t come easily. My mind wouldn’t, couldn’t shut off. Fears, regrets, sorrow and despair engulfed me. If I drifted off the nightmares quickly woke me up.

At one point I woke with a start having just relived his lifeless birth.

I sat in my hospital bed and sobbed. It was dark, I was alone and I let his death sink in.

Then I promised myself I was NEVER going to let this happen again.

The next morning my doctor came to check on me and I asked him a dozen questions about what actually happened to our baby boy and what the odds were of it happening again.

He reassured me that knots in umbilical cords are rare, and knots that result in infant demise are even more rare.

But that was little comfort to a mother who it just happened to.

Gradually my heart softened and after several months I was willing to risk it all again. Willing to try to have another child. That’s when the long road to our rainbow baby began.

It took us a year to get pregnant and it was a scary, stressful time. I knew that at any moment I could feel this baby stop moving. I knew that there was no guarantee that this child would be born alive. And I knew what it would feel like if I had to deliver this baby stillborn and then bury it.

Yet I took a risk. And I thank heavens every day that it paid off.

I faced one of my darkest trials and I lived. And so did my beautiful rainbow baby.

I have spent the past few weeks playing with my two youngest babies. I have helped my T-Rex boy hatch from a cardboard box egg. I have cuddled stuffed snowmen with my baby girl.

I have snuggled to them on our beanbag and read them Christmas stories. I have chased them around our house while they growled and panted like dogs.

I spend most of all of my time caring for and playing with these two amazing humans.

And I keep asking myself what my life would be like without them.

What if I truly had given up? What if I had kept my promise to myself and NEVER delivered another baby?

I have been extremely blessed with two beautifully happy babies since I made myself that pact.

One is now three years old. I swear he was born laughing. He loves to smile. He loves people and I have yet to meet a person who doesn’t love him. He often plays with my hair and strokes my cheeks. His dark brown eyes melt my heart and I can’t imagine my life without him.

Then there’s my second baby after my loss. She is now one year old. She has been the best baby I have ever seen – ever. She loves to rub her nose against mine and squint her eyes when giving me kisses. She almost never cries. I have never wanted to hold anything more in my entire life than I have wanted to hold her. She was meant to be placed into my arms. And yet I nearly missed the chance to wrap them around her.

I nearly gave up.

The darkness and despair that I felt that night almost won.

I am so glad it didn’t.