I am less than a month from my due date and feeling a little overwhelmed.
At times anxiety threatens to take over my every though and action. Other times the thought of actually bringing home a little baby boy stresses me to the max.
I have only written a few times during the past 37 weeks about what it has been like to carry a life after the last one I carried died. It is terrifying, exciting, hope inspiring, and stressful to say the least.
There are times when I feel absolutely fine. Almost like I am not even pregnant. I think my mind has naturally slightly detached itself from the baby my body is carrying. It has kept a safe distance – in order to protect itself in case of another tragedy.
A lot of times when I think about bringing a baby to my house I don’t even know what to do. I can’t wrap my mind around that. It has been a long time since I have nursed or diapered a little one. I have major feelings of inadequacy.
I don’t even know if I am ready to care for this baby.
There’s a small closet in my bathroom that is stocked chuck full of diapers, wipes, toiletries and other baby essentials. I am pretty sure I have everything you could possibly need or want for this baby. But that doesn’t mean I have it all out.
I bought a new dresser and filled it with clothes, but everything else is at bay. Until I bring my little bundle of joy home, I will not get out the car seat or stroller and you better believe I will not set up the bassinet or crib.
Those were the hardest things to take down after Luca died.
My mother-in-law bought me the cutest new diaper bag. I have halfway filled it. I know I should get it ready, in case there is a moment of panic, but I just can’t – yet.
There have been times during the past 8 months when I am sure my baby is going to die. The fact that I am the first one who will know if he stops moving has almost been too much to bear.
He is particularly still in the morning. But no matter how many times I tell myself that is normal for him, I still end up lying in fear on my side in my bed waiting, worrying.
There are times throughout the day when I try to remember the last time he moved. Sometimes I’ll stop everything I am doing and sit still on my couch for a long while until I feel him kick or wiggle.
If only he could move and squirm all of the time. Although it may be unsettling, at least I would know he is alive.
I am anywhere between 36-38 weeks pregnant – depending how you count. That means I have anywhere between 2-4 weeks to wait. Yet another reason why this control freak is stressing. Add my weekly shots that I was taking to stop my body from going into premature labor, and I have no idea when the little one will arrive.
Thank heavens the natural nesting instinct has kicked in, keeping me busy cleaning every nook and cranny in my home. It might be driving my husband crazy, but it helps with my anxiety and allows me to feel in control of something.
But I am running out of nooks and crannies. Hopefully I deliver soon. The anticipation is killing me.
Sometimes I want to scream out loud, “Am I really going to have a baby?” It still hasn’t sunk in.
At this point I know I am going to HAVE to deliver, but will I get to HAVE my baby?