Gender War

26 Jan 2012 11 Comments

by Natalie in Dealing with Death, Pregnant After a Loss

I have had a few different reactions from people when I tell them I am expecting. Several people have told me that they hope I have a girl.

I have my 16-week appointment today and may actually find out if I’m carrying a boy or girl.

But honestly I don’t care what I have. I feel bad because last week I snapped at someone when they said they were hoping I got a girl. I told them, “Well, I just hope I get something.”

That’s the cold hard truth. I don’t care if I’m carrying a boy or a girl. I just want to be able to bring it home to sleep in its bassinet next to my bed at night.

But I wouldn’t be completely honest with myself if I didn’t admit that there are two main reasons why having a girl would ease my mind. (Notice I said “ease my mind” not “make me happy.”)

Neither of those reasons has anything to do with the fact that I have never hairbowed or ponytailed my offspring. Heaven knows I love playing with my boys.  And I can draw on a pretty mean pirate mustache and sew a great bowtie.

But I have already had some nervous, anxious moments during my pregnancy. For some reason as I get further along, I feel like having a girl may ease my chances of completely succumbing to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I guess in my mind a gender change would make things seem a lot more different therefore lessening my chances of a repeat stillbirth. It makes no sense I know, but I’m not of a sound mind these days.

What will I do if it is a boy? Probably worry day and night like I am already doing. I have made some other changes this pregnancy. Hopefully a new doctor and new hospital to deliver in will make things seem different enough.

But there’s another reason a girl baby may ease my mind.

We watch the movie “Hook” a lot at our house. There is a scene toward the end of the show that has been haunting me lately. Peter Pan goes back to check on his mother several years after he left her for Neverland. He flies to her window and sees her with a new baby.

She is very happy, as a new mother should be, but Peter takes that to mean that she has forgotten about him. That he has been replaced.

My heart would break if somewhere in the heavens Luca would ever think that he has been replaced. I can never fix the hole his death left in my heart. I am pretty sure I will live my whole life wondering what things would be like if he had lived. I will probably always watch kids who were born his same year and dream of him doing what they are doing.

I don’t know why, but the thought of having a girl lessens my worry of him feeling replaced. My husband and I have always wanted several children. Losing Luca hasn’t changed that. Had Luca lived I may have been trying for my fourth by now anyway.

I know a lot of this sounds crazy. Boy or girl, above all, I just hope that my baby is healthy and born kicking and screaming.

And If it is a boy, I just have to hope that the Lost Boys will keep Luca company until I can find my happy thought and find the strength to fly to the “Second star to the right and straight on ‘til morning.”

The Purge

19 Jan 2012 8 Comments

by Natalie in Failed Housewife Tags: ,

I have big plans for my house. Big plans that I don’t always have enough energy for. But regardless of my energy level these days, I am determined to enact one of my biggest plans so far. I am going to affectionately call it “The Purge.”

I am going to go through every inch of my modest home and remove everything that we don’t use or need. I am going to purge our junk pile.

I started last week with my kitchen. I have dreamed of a bigger kitchen with more cabinet and countertop space for years. But that doesn’t mean it’s ever going to happen. So, rather than keep dreaming I went to task.

I put together a giant box of old pans, cups, Tupperware and small appliances that I have not used in the past 7 years. Why on earth I was keeping some of that stuff is beyond me.

I packed it into the back of my van and drove it to the nearest Deseret Industries before I had a chance to change my mind on items like my worn out skillet that no longer has a temperature gauge.

Now when I open the door to grab a cup for my kids, I don’t have mismatched plastics falling out on my head. The insides of my cupboards look good.

But the kitchen is just the beginning. I plan to purge every room in my house.

My husband thinks I am already nesting, but I know it’s more than that. I actually got the purging idea from my friend Amanda who completely overhauled her house last summer. She got rid of nearly everything that wasn’t a necessity.

That totally inspired me.

They talk a lot in my religion about living within your means. For the longest time I thought that meant, “Don’t buy anything you can’t pay for.” But I’m starting to realize that it’s not just about money.

I visited Amanda after her purge and she heI have big plans for my house. Big plans that I don’t always have enough energy for. But regardless of my energy level these days, I am determined to enact one of my biggest plans so far. I am going to affectionately call it “The Purge.”

I am going to go through every inch of my modest home and remove everything that we don’t use or need. I am going to purge our junk pile.

I started last week with my kitchen. I have dreamed of a bigger kitchen with more cabinet and countertop space for years. But that doesn’t mean it’s ever going to happen. So, rather than keep dreaming I went to task.

I put together a giant box of old pans, cups, Tupperware and small appliances that I have not used in the past 7 years. Why on earth I was keeping some of that stuff is beyond me.

I packed it into the back of my van and drove it to the nearest Deseret Industries before I had a chance to change my mind on items like my worn out skillet that no longer has a temperature gauge.

Now when I open the door to grab a cup for my kids, I don’t have mismatched plastics falling out on my head. The insides of my cupboards look good.

But the kitchen is just the beginning. I plan to purge every room in my house.

My husband thinks I am already nesting, but I know it’s more than that. I actually got the purging idea from my friend Amanda who completely overhauled her house last summer. She got rid of nearly everything that wasn’t a necessity.

That totally inspired me.

They talk a lot in my religion about living within your means. For the longest time I thought that meant, “Don’t buy anything you can’t pay for.” But I’m starting to realize that it’s not just about money.

I visited Amanda after her purge and she helped me to see that rather than always dreaming of a bigger house, nicer things, and more of everything, I need to be satisfied with what I have now.

That’s what’s behind the purge. No longer am I going to hold onto unnecessary items because someday I may have room or need for them. I am not going to live in a dream world where I keep everything I get because someday I may have time to use it or have a bigger home to put it in.

My husband and I have talked about moving in a few years, but what if we don’t? I love my house now, why not make it the best I can and be happy with what I have?

It probably sounds easier than it really is going to be, and I am going to have to conquer my inner pack-rat tendencies to get this done, but little by little I am going to purge my life and my attitude.

I’m starting on the laundry room next.

What have you purged from your life lately? What do you do to minimize all the “stuff” in your house?
lped me to see that rather than always dreaming of a bigger house, nicer things, and more of everything, I need to be satisfied with what I have now.

That’s what’s behind the purge. No longer am I going to hold onto unnecessary items because someday I may have room or need for them. I am not going to live in a dream world where I keep everything I get because someday I may have time to use it or have a bigger home to put it in.

My husband and I have talked about moving in a few years, but what if we don’t? I love my house now, why not make it the best I can and be happy with what I have?

It probably sounds easier than it really is going to be, and I am going to have to conquer my inner pack-rat tendencies to get this done, but little by little I am going to purge my life and my attitude.

I’m starting on the laundry room next.

What have you purged from your life lately? What do you do to minimize all the “stuff” in your house?

Pregnant and Terrified

12 Jan 2012 12 Comments

by Natalie in Dealing with Death, Pregnant After a Loss Tags: , ,

I am three months pregnant and absolutely terrified. 

Don’t get me wrong I am also thrilled. My husband and I have waited a year to see a double pink line appear. But that doesn’t mean my hand wasn’t shaking while holding the testing stick and I was able to get any sleep the night we found out.

I have waited for this baby for a long, long time. I wrote about my struggles getting pregnant back in October. Less than a month later I found out I was expecting. I am so grateful for the love and support I have received recently.

I have tried to take a cautiously optimistic approach to this pregnancy. My boys are extremely excited and have big plans for what they are going to do with their new sibling.

I am extremely grateful to be carrying another life.

But on the other hand I am scared to death. Scared of death to be exact.

The odds of my unborn child dying are seriously slim to none. But I’ve heard that before. There is absolutely no one who can guarantee that in 6 months I will be bringing a bundle of joy home to raise here on earth.

I have made it past the 9-week mark. That’s when my second pregnancy ended in miscarriage. But I still have 23 weeks to go to make it to the 37-week mark when Luca died.

Some days I am completely fine. I feel at peace with my body and my new baby. But other days I get severely anxious and nervous.

Like the day I woke up without any nausea. I have been pretty sick for the past two months and so I was convinced that I had lost my baby because I felt fine.

Then I had an ultrasound at 10 weeks. Everything looked great. Until I got the photos home and it looked like one of the pictures of my baby’s umbilical cord showed a knot.

I stressed over that photo for two weeks. Until I took the picture in to my doctor and he reassured me that it wasn’t a knot and that my baby was too small to make a knot yet anyway.

Any time I am scheduled for an appointment I have serious stress. My biggest fear is that I will go to an ultrasound and my child’s heart won’t be beating on the screen. Or that my doctor won’t be able to find the sound of the heartbeat with his doplar monitor.

But these are stresses I knew I would have. Stresses that I have to have in order to risk bringing another life into the world. I knew it would be rough and I am in for the long haul.

July 10 won’t come fast enough.

Until then I am going to indulge in my cravings and dream up ways to get more sleep.

Boogers 2011 Recap

05 Jan 2012 Leave a comment

by Natalie in From My Heart, Uncategorized

In case you missed them, this week I decided to post Boogers On The Wall’s 5 most popular blog posts from 2011.

1 Problems Getting Pregnant

2 Reading Babies???

3 Living with the Elephant 

4 My Angel’s Story

5 Words of Wisdom

I find it very interesting that four out of the top five were posts I wrote about the death of my baby boy.

What do you guys think? What were your favorite posts of 2011?